Prelude

It is no secret, on this site at least that i have multiple serious disabilities. When i have to disclose that fact to outsiders i often get a strange reaction, they are taken aback by the level of "success". I have, apparently not many people in my position live in the "community" by themselves, occasionally, work a job, and enjoy strong bonds to people outside of intimidate family.

Let's take a pause to consider that. What outsiders (medical professionals, social workers, councilors, etc) consider a disabled person who manages to achieve basic human needs, not only a success but a success so great that i've been called an "inspiration" . I am not a success by my own criteria, yet. I don't feel that my life is particularly inspirational. Nonetheless I made a bet with the universe, that if one more person called me an inspiration or asked what my secret was. I would write it down. Turns out one really shouldn't make bets with the universe, especially not after dark. you will lose.

My "Secret" is that over time I've distilled my knowledge of how to human with a disability, into sayings that i repeat to myself, currently there are 12, maybe 14 depending on how you count. But i can't just say "Give the mouse her cookie" or "The universe loves you" without actually explaining in detail what those sayings mean, and pretty soon you have an outline for yet another book length writing project of approximately 20,000 words. See what i mean about bets with the universe. That's rule 11. By the way we'll get to that one later.

For now i want to address Saying 4

Give the Mouse Her Cookie

I have bipolar, which is at it's core a defect in how the brain processes and works with with certain chemicals primarily Dopamine. The media stereotypes would have you believe, we're all flighty maniac artist types with no self control whatsoever. But Mania is only one presentation of it. My baseline without medication is a severe depression that never completely goes away, even on good days.

When it first hit in college i spent weeks, only making it to class sporadically, and only really getting out of bed in order to eat. My GPA went from a 3.8 to a 1.7 over the course of two semesters. It took 7 years to get a diagnosis and another 18 months to find the right medications. Meanwhile i had to figure out how to not get booted from college and end up with a degree for my efforts. Thus was born my fourth saying. Give the mouse her cookie

If you give a mouse a cookie is a satirical childrens book, about a boy who gives a mouse a cookie, and then ends up saying yes to incresingly absurd requests from the mouse. That he would've never granted had the mouse asked up front. On those days that i was so depressed that i couldn't get out of bed, or in so much pain from the Cerbral Palsy that it felt like i couldn't. I found that starting with some small task, just to get moving would help. For example

1. I'm in to much pain to get out of bed..
2. The pain meds would help. Get out of bed, go get them.
3. I have the pain meds but my tea jug is empty.
4. Brew more tea While that's brewing check my email
5. Friend emailed me about an article, wants my take on it
6. Read the article
7. Tea is done brewing.. Take meds
8. I could go back to bed, but i have a meeting at 11. Need to get ready for that
9. Lay out clothes for meeting.
10. Back to email
11. Tenants Asscoation has breakfast in common room. Don't want to miss free food.
12. Get dressed.. go down for breakfast

On it goes, Even though my intent was to go stright back to bed, once meds were taken. By Giving the mouse her cookie. I ended up getting dressed and out of the house. Notice however that i didn't say to myself. "You have a lot of work to do.. It's time to get up". I set out one very simple very obtainable goal, and built from there. If I was feeling worse i could've taken my pills with water and had done with it. The key to this saying is that while doing the small you are always looking for the next larger thing.

Some readers might recognize paralells of this princpal in a saying in addiction recovery "Do the next right thing", or you might be singing that song from Frozen 2. This is an accurate paralell to draw, at least partially.

Do the Next Right Thing has a hidden value judgement within it however. And this value judgement proves to be it's undoing, in a disabilty/chronic health problems context. What is right and who decides. When we use such charged words as our focus we often set our eyes on unobtainable goals, even if the reason the thing you want is unobtainable due to a temporary circumstance. When we do not attain what we belive we should, this causes feelings of failure. Which is often the worst thing to have to process when you regularlly have doors slamed in your face; or have to watch your peers thrive whilst you struggle.

This is not to say "Don't have dreams" in fact Saying 8 "Dreams are like cows" is all about how long term goals work. Remove the value judgement and just do what inspires you to move. If all you end up doing with your day is listen to your favorite song on repeat, then at least you've made for yourself a little comfort and joy.

Summary

In the moment of pain, when our world caves in. Find the one thing that motivates you to action in the moment, and let action beget action. I find that if one does that. I find myself in a wider world, under better stars.